At some time, life had to get better, I figured.
First of all, you are reading this correctly. I, a cat, understand your language perfectly. It took a while to put two and two together with all of the words you used, but here I am, a cat with her own blog. Ever see a dog do that? And if you are thinking I actually wrote this, you're mistaken. Cat's don't write. We dictate.
When I was still living in Tanzania, I was limited with my freedoms. Nobody can blame me. It is heartbreaking to look outside and watch a couple of completely disgusting degenerates patrol the land every morning. Dogs. I could smell their disgusting mouths from two floors up. Dog breath is the worst thing invented since water.
For the first two years of my life, I was what people would call a domestic cat. Just a cat enjoying the great indoors. Anybody who thinks there is no action in a house is sadly mistaken. I have five lizards and five hundred cockroaches who will unanimously confirm that I am the best playmate they ever had. It's only sad that none of them are alive anymore to back me up here.
The drawback about being an indoor cat is the fact that some of your best friends outside will have to play without you. I have conversations every morning with the birds, and I feel their pain. The birds want to be somebody too. Having bird friends is one thing, but every bird wants to be special. Every bird wants to be the one who knows a cool cat.
There were the snakes, too, of course. I would watch them slither through the tall grass, each one of them beckoning to me: ZELDA! ZELDA! here we are. We are nothing more than a long strand of thread built for your entertainment. Those poor snakes: they, too, would have to play without me. I admit it didn't help that the dogs wanted to play with them as well. The snakes didn't seem to enjoy the dogs as much. Must be that godawful smell.
I suppose I should be grateful for being in America now. I was a Tanzanian orphan kitten, and now I have a passport to America. Not bad, huh? Suck on it, dogs of Tanzania. The drawback is that my worst dream came true on my way here. Two words: jet engines. My eyes have seen the coming of the devil. And it was that dumbass of a father who put me on that plane. Andy is his name. Put me in a damn cage and on a plane. I will never forget.
Now that there are no dogs around here, I think it is time to proceed with my next plan, which is to take over the neighborhood. For now, I will simply scamper up the roof and study and observe in between my five hour naps. There is plenty of time to watch and learn. Plenty of birds here. They sing so nice and love feasting on insects - I can live with that. The problem is, I will need to take one of them out, just so the birds remember who is boss here.
There are other critters. One is a squirrel. The oldest boy in the house, Axl, taught me that word. There are chipmunks, snakes, and the (absolutely disgusting) smell of other critters here.
I will need to proceed with caution. From the family's conversations, there seem to be bigger animals around here, like bears and mountain lions. Somehow I doubt they will want to play with me.
But first things first. I need to take over the neighborhood one blade of grass at a time. For now, I am only a princess. The next step is to be queen.
First of all, you are reading this correctly. I, a cat, understand your language perfectly. It took a while to put two and two together with all of the words you used, but here I am, a cat with her own blog. Ever see a dog do that? And if you are thinking I actually wrote this, you're mistaken. Cat's don't write. We dictate.
When I was still living in Tanzania, I was limited with my freedoms. Nobody can blame me. It is heartbreaking to look outside and watch a couple of completely disgusting degenerates patrol the land every morning. Dogs. I could smell their disgusting mouths from two floors up. Dog breath is the worst thing invented since water.
For the first two years of my life, I was what people would call a domestic cat. Just a cat enjoying the great indoors. Anybody who thinks there is no action in a house is sadly mistaken. I have five lizards and five hundred cockroaches who will unanimously confirm that I am the best playmate they ever had. It's only sad that none of them are alive anymore to back me up here.
The drawback about being an indoor cat is the fact that some of your best friends outside will have to play without you. I have conversations every morning with the birds, and I feel their pain. The birds want to be somebody too. Having bird friends is one thing, but every bird wants to be special. Every bird wants to be the one who knows a cool cat.
There were the snakes, too, of course. I would watch them slither through the tall grass, each one of them beckoning to me: ZELDA! ZELDA! here we are. We are nothing more than a long strand of thread built for your entertainment. Those poor snakes: they, too, would have to play without me. I admit it didn't help that the dogs wanted to play with them as well. The snakes didn't seem to enjoy the dogs as much. Must be that godawful smell.
I suppose I should be grateful for being in America now. I was a Tanzanian orphan kitten, and now I have a passport to America. Not bad, huh? Suck on it, dogs of Tanzania. The drawback is that my worst dream came true on my way here. Two words: jet engines. My eyes have seen the coming of the devil. And it was that dumbass of a father who put me on that plane. Andy is his name. Put me in a damn cage and on a plane. I will never forget.
Now that there are no dogs around here, I think it is time to proceed with my next plan, which is to take over the neighborhood. For now, I will simply scamper up the roof and study and observe in between my five hour naps. There is plenty of time to watch and learn. Plenty of birds here. They sing so nice and love feasting on insects - I can live with that. The problem is, I will need to take one of them out, just so the birds remember who is boss here.
There are other critters. One is a squirrel. The oldest boy in the house, Axl, taught me that word. There are chipmunks, snakes, and the (absolutely disgusting) smell of other critters here.
I will need to proceed with caution. From the family's conversations, there seem to be bigger animals around here, like bears and mountain lions. Somehow I doubt they will want to play with me.
But first things first. I need to take over the neighborhood one blade of grass at a time. For now, I am only a princess. The next step is to be queen.
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